So my top 30 favorite films list is now complete. You know what that means. It means we've been in business a month now, and it's time for me to find something else to write about. In the meantime, here's a handful of films that did not make the list.
Oceans 12 (2004)
Was it just me or did this film not actually feature a heist? Those of you who answered yes: shut the fuck up. The so-called ‘heist’ conveyed a level of creativity akin to that of a cat when it decides to piss on your carpet to mark its territory. Honestly, I felt like I was paying for a bunch of pretentious actors to have a really nice vacation. Well you won’t get me next time guys. I’ve got a heist for you, George Clooney. Why don’t you sneak up your ass and try to steal your dignity back?
Catwoman (2004)
Inspired by Madonna, the director of this piece of shit is known only as Pitof. Pitof actually made one really cool French film called Vidocq (2001), which starred (you guessed it) Gerard Depardieu. Catwoman was supposed to be his big break into Hollywood. OOPS! This film features a scene in which a painfully computer-generated cat breathes into Halle Barry’s mouth, reviving her. Really, how hard could it have possibly been to train a real cat to open its mouth over Halle Barry? I would have accepted Verne Troyer in a cat suit. You could have added the CG breath afterwards. Or here’s an idea: try using another idea that’s not so completely inane as having a housecat breath life into Halle Barry. The breakaway glass was superb, however.
Men in Black 2 (2002)
With the world and characters established in the first Men in Black, it seemed almost impossible to imagine a proceeding film that could not at least be entertaining. You had a cast of very funny humans and aliens, and you had a delightfully ignorant world population. Well someone managed to screw all that up. Clocking in at 80 minutes in length, it is obvious that the writers threw this piece of shit together the night before. Unfunny, uninspired, plot-less, cash-in.
Bad Boys 2 (2003)
Rules on how to make a shitty action film:
1) When you lack plot, try adding another uninspired car chase. Or maybe 5.
2) Since you have already cast 2 naturally funny black guys, there’s no need to actually write any humour into the script.
3) Since neither lead character seems to have any noticeably ‘bad’ qualities (in fact they are both kind of nice) I guess the filmmakers figured the movie itself would have to suck.
4) The villain in this film was so pathetic…I actually don’t even remember who he was or what his deal was. All I can remember is Will Smith and Martin Lawrence crashing cars and being incredibly unfunny.
5) The only thing that could have made this movie interesting was if Martin Lawrence decided to have a sex-change operation while Will Smith was forced to deal with his closeted attraction for his gender-confused partner.
Date Movie (2006)
Because spoofing comedies seemed like such a good idea at a time. I know a guy who liked Bad Boys 2…he walked out of the theatre on this one, 10 minutes into it.
Blade: Trinity (2004)
Because nothing is funnier than watching Ryan Reynolds being a pussy and making fart jokes. Interesting fact: Blade is a comic character famous for slicing up vampires with his badass sword. In Blade: Trinity this famed sword shows up for a mere 3 minutes in the last fight scene of the film. Congratulations filmmakers: you proved once again that, in the film business, it’s who you know, not how (un)talented you are.
Professor P
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I find it amazing that you were able to find only 6 bad movies. Considering your selection of top movies includes such a varied assortment of genres, I would conclude there had to be many, many movies which made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and threaten to strangle you if you continue to watch. As much as we slam these movies, nobody actually sets out to make a bad movie. Sometimes too many chefs spoil the creation. Then again, some people just don’t know how to make a movie and somehow managed to trick someone else into giving them money to make a movie. I like the comment about the glass in Catwomen. Unfortunately no one is supposed to know it was fake glass.
ReplyDeleteI heard a quote from Clooney about the Oceans movies. Basically, he said he had to be in the Ocean movies, so that he could afford to do the movies that he really wanted to make like "Good night and Good luck" and "Micheal Clayton". Movies that don't pull in a huge box office appeal and so he usually assist in funding.
ReplyDeleteHe didn't make it sound like doing the Ocean's movies was a burden or anything (as you said, it's basically a paid vacation to Europe with a bunch of his Hollywood buddies). But he was the first to admit these movies were not really high quality or caliber, they were just money makers and big box office draws. It shows that perhaps this man has a bit more integrity then one may think at first.
Don't worry, Ed, your secret is limited to the 8 people that may visit this blog. I for one didn't know it was fake glass until you told me.
ReplyDeleteFact: I watched Catwoman all the way through, just for the glass.
ReplyDeleteFact.
The glass in Oceans 12 has nothing on the glass in Catwoman...
ReplyDelete